Sacrificing My Idiot Son to Improve My Chances for a God Pack

Mount Moriah – People. Please listen. Withhold your judgment. Understand that I, Abraham, sacrifice my son upon this mountain for more than one reason. Many reasons, in truth. For I need to get right with God. But if it shall come to pass that I receive His favor and pull a God Pack? Worth it.

You see, nothing is right in my life. The crops? They have ceased to grow. The fish? Ceased to bite. The village people? Ceased to sing. And worst of all, when I rip boosties, I pull straight trash. Always. Even upon the ripping of Collector Boosters, I fail. I pull foiled-up dog shit.

My wife. Sarah. She doubts me. For good reason. She knows I don’t pull shit. She will leave me soon if nothing changes. She’s on the apps. So many of them. Hinge. Farmers Only. Raya. I know she is Snapping with Jacob Elordi. With Peter Davidson. With Cousin Greg from Succession.

So every week, I prayed for a miracle of good pulls at my Local Game Bazaar. Every week, I despaired in a thicket of unplayable rares and draft chaff. I begged the Lord to show me what to do, to give me a sign.

It was in this despair that God answered. A vision appeared to me. A vision of God Packs. Epic, rare boosters where every nonbasic card is a rare or mythic rare card. Truly I say to you, what a gift from above!

Yet, in the midst of this ecstasy, I could only lament. How could I, who has no favor with the Lord, receive such a gift? How could I, Abraham, get my hands on a God Pack?

Many moons ago, I witnessed my neighbor Jebediah sacrifice his son and be granted a miracle in return. The Lord bestowed upon him a spare bedroom to convert into a man cave or office. It is knowing of Jebediah and the miracle of his suddenly spare room that led me to this hike with Isaac.

For God came to me likewise, and said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love–Isaac–and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you. You must sacrifice Isaac. Your flesh and blood. Only then will good pack luck be yours. On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

And so here we are, atop this mountain. I have constructed an altar upon which I hold Isaac, and it is with this knife– Quiet boy! Quit your struggling! Daddy needs his guaranteed rares and mythics. My hand must be steady, boy, and my blow must be strong! 

Curse me if you wish, but the Lord demands this! Only through sacrifice will I pull a God Pack. And I know this is real, for our Lord would never prank me.

What’s that? What dost thou mean, O’ Lord, when you say sike?