Hasbro Claims Right of Primae Nauctis

RENTON, WA — In a controversial move, Hasbro has just invoked the company’s right of *primae Nauctis*, announcing its intention to ring in FY 2027 by getting its Cocks wet.

“*Jus primae noctis*, or the idea that medieval noblemen had the legal right to the first mulligan on their serfs’ wedding nights, may have been an ahistorical fiction, but the reality of *jus primae Nauctis* is not up for debate. It’s very clearly written into our purchasing contract with WotC,” said Linda Wu-Berg, a legal representative for Hasbro, in a public investor presentation this morning. Sharing her screen, she zoomed in on a line of text written in 2-point font in the margin of the contract that read, “We can fuck the cards.”

When asked by a shareholder for clarification, Wu-Berg scrolled down slightly, revealing another line: “To clarify: we mean sexually.”

Investors’ responses to the announcement were initially muted. However, they let out a breathy chorus of moans when the representative scrolled further down to a third clause: “We also mean via corporate growth mandates.”

A visibly flushed and sweating Chris Cocks joined the call later to discuss the company’s plans for Nauctis: the Sunken Realm. “We know fans are excited to splash onto–er, into this long-awaited undersea setting, so we’re leveraging that thirst for aquatic action in favor of one of our beloved legacy brands,” Cocks said. A packaging mock-up appeared onscreen for a product called “Nauctis: Battleship Edition,” which had a proposed MSRP of $199.99 and promised to be “up to 25% wetter!”

“We know this one might not be for all Magic fans, but that’s okay,” Cocks continued. “It’s going to be the only way to get the next format-defining card, so they’ll–*ungh!*–buy it–*oh, God!*–anyway!”

Cocks then abruptly left the call, citing technical issues.

Neither WotC nor Hasbro responded to requests for comment about the art that appeared very briefly at the end of the presentation, which depicted a character bearing resemblance to Mr. Cocks having carnal knowledge of a dolphin.