Guy Tracking Life Totals Clearly Getting Broken Up With Via Text

Surf City, NJ — Neglecting the commander game at hand, three players at a local LGS were instead captivated by the collapse of a 5-year relationship slowly scrolling by, text by text, on their fellow player’s phone.

Generously provided by the player as a way to track life totals, the phone also provided a one-sided soap opera for the fellow players to enjoy as the game progressed.

According to one player there, the breakup texts began with the classics.

“All the breakup clichés came through. ‘It’s not you, it’s me.‘ ‘I just need space to find myself again,’ and ‘I hate your moles. They’re so weird. Why do they smell like licorice? Moles shouldn’t smell like licorice, Richard! Go to a doctor!!’ Cliché stuff like that.”

But as the drama built and the guy somehow remained unaware of the publicized death of his relationship, the other players did their best to have the game progress as if nothing strange was occurring, desperate to get more from the story.

“I’ll be honest, I just played random spells. I even forgot to draw for turn because I was so absorbed. Thank god he didn’t put it on Do Not Disturb, this was way better than my soaps!” said another player afterwards.

“We almost gave it away when we all gasped at her comment on the guy’s weird moles. They are weird, no doubt, but you shouldn’t say things like that.” (The Herald independently verified that the guy’s moles were indeed weird.)

“Luckily, the guy had just Farewell’d. So we played it off like we were really bummed about it, and not super happy to keep reading. He started getting texts from her mom and his mom. They were both on her side! That’s crazy!”

Even as the guy tracking life totals presented a win, the other three remained far too distracted by the drama to interact and stop him. Instead, their eyes, bloodshot from the strain of peripheral witness, remained glued to the guy’s phone screen as Thassa’s Oracle resolved and his relationship dissolved.

“She was most upset about finances, and I can’t blame her. Five years, no ring, and he has a fully blinged-out deck? I’d be pissed too! Plus, we saw a Venmo request for six grand from an AI Princess Leia, and that was the first thing he picked up his phone to check! We’re all on her side for sure. Good luck, girl.”

Asking his fellow players if they wanted to shuffle up and play again, the guy was thrilled by their enthusiasm to keep the games going, remarking, “Wait until I tell my girl about this! She’ll be so excited I made some actual friends!”