New Strixhaven Book Reveals Rest of Arcavios Full of Subhuman Creatures Called Townies

A new book about the plane of Arcavios, which hosts Strixhaven Academy, is set to be released alongside Secrets of Strixhaven this April. Minutiae of Arcavios by Professor Fredrick Jackson Ghost-Turner of Lorehold College focuses primarily on the subhuman creatures who wander the plane. These strange creatures are called Townies. 

Described in the book as “Sentient but not quite sapient,” Townies closely resemble the other creatures who attend Strixhaven. However, unlike the students and staff of the esteemed academy, they lack defining characteristics such as prestigious family names or generational wealth. Their primary purpose on the plane seems to be providing labor for Strixhaven and its inhabitants. 

“Many of the shops near Strixhaven are run by Townies who diligently perform menial tasks with admirable mindlessness,” the author told us in an exclusive interview. “They are vital to Arcavios, making the lattes and clearing up after their intellectual superiors. Other scholars have noted some similarities to the Roomba species from the plane of New York City. I think if they were capable of understanding the larger system they’re part of, they’d feel a sense of satisfaction, knowing how much time they save Strixhaven.” 

Other scholars from Strixhaven have weighed in, such as the Quandrix waterfowl and economist John Mallard Keynes. “The fascinating thing about Townies is that, despite vastly outnumbering Strixhaven associates, they have little to no agency within the economy. Many of them choose a simple trade, such as carpentry or selling me fancy hats. They perform those roles until they die. Clearly, no being capable of understanding the economic power of capital would choose to live like that. The only logical explanation is that they lack the capacity for higher-order thought.” 

“They’re parasites,” Witherbloom grad-student Larissa Masters shared. “Townies live off the refuse of our esteemed institution. That’s why I don’t tip or make eye contact when they’re serving me drinks. I’m already the reason they have a purpose; they should be thanking me, not looking for handouts or special treatment.” 

When we reached out to some of these Townies for comment, they were quick to push back against Ghost-Turner’s book. “Fred grew up down the street from me,” one Townie told us. “Then he learns how to summon spirits, and suddenly he’s calling himself Ghost-Turner and the rest of us are a different species? Give me a break. I get how the ancient dryad lady who’s been at Strixhaven for a millennium got so out of touch, but that guy just let meeting a dragon go to his head.” 

Others were quick to complain about Strixhaven’s inhabitants more broadly. “Of course, the book doesn’t surprise me,” said coffee shop owner Julia Barrera. “A Prismari freshman once burned down my uncle’s house with a fire sculpture, which we’re all pretty sure was just code for marijuana. When we complained to the college, they told us we just didn’t understand art. And don’t get me started on how many bad Silverquill jam poets I’ve had to hear at my shop’s open mic night.” 

“The undergrads aren’t always so bad,” Waiter Sid Lawson told us. “But the grad students will look you in the eyes and ask if the beer is blue-mana free, or ask if the shitty old barstools are authentic. I don’t know, man. I’m here to bring you cheap pitchers of beer. The professors who come in won’t look at you, but at least they just get hammered and teleport home without asking stupid questions.”

Minutiae of Arcavios may be controversial among Townies, but the rest of the multiverse is eager to gain any insight into the plane. When asked if there were plans to release any books with Townie sources, we were informed that People’s History is pop-academia swill. Further inquiries were halted when the media outreach manager learned this reporter attended a state school.