Report: MTG: Arena’s Sparky Controlled By Unpaid Wizard’s Intern

Washington, D.C. – Congress has released their findings on companies that falsify their A.I. capabilities after it was discovered that Waymo uses remote workers to drive their so-called “autonomous” cars.

One such company is Wizards of The Coast, who were revealed to be using an unnamed college intern to run the training “program” Sparky on Magic: The Gathering: Arena.

“We would like to comment on the report that came out about Sparky,” began a press release by Trent Crosby, WOTC spokesperson who we now realize might not be a real person. “While we have advertised Sparky as being the best training partner for new and lapsed Magic players on Arena, we have not been so clear about whether or not Sparky was an actual person. We thought now would be a good time to clear the air since the government is forcing us to say something.

“Sparky is actually not a computer program. In fact it’s run by one of the diligent but anonymous staff members of Wizards of the Coast. Though it does not save us much money to use a real person as opposed to a simple program, it saves us some amount of money and made our profits rise, so we did it. We see now the error of our ways and have listened to the fans, so we promise: we will make an A.I.-driven Sparky and we’ll make it as soon as fiscally possible.”

After the press release came out the unmentioned intern controlling Sparky, Dustin Fortunato, came out to talk about his experience.

“I’m glad the world finally knows the truth about Sparky,” began a message from Fortunato released through his Instagram. “Though I had grand aspirations about my work when I got my internship at Wizards, I never thought I’d end up acting like some punching bag for online Magic players. I had to sit through so much bullshit, FOR FREE, in my capacity as Sparky: unending infinite combos, being controlled through Mindslaver-like effects, having to repeat those stupid goddamn catchphrases over and over. I want people to know who I am, so they understand the hell they put me through.”

At press time, Wizards announced their “new and improved A.I. Sparky” will be coming to Arena soon and cost 100 gems to play per game.