Department of Justice Claims There Is No Reserved List
Washington, D.C. – Along with announcing that there is no evidence of wrongdoing in the Epstein flight logs, the Department of Justice released a memo “confirming” that Magic: The Gathering’s Reserved List also does not exist.
The Reserved List was designed to make certain early Magic cards unable to be reprinted. Created in 1996 and amended in 2002 and 2010, it’s been the focus of much online discussion for years.
“Yes, we can equivocoly [sic] state that the Reserved List doesn’t exist,” explained acting Attorney General Pam Bondi in a memo riddled with spelling errors. “For years, we have wondered why great cards like the Power Nine have not been reprinted for modern Magic audiences, other than the recent celebratory 30th anniversary cards. Now, with the blessings of Wizards of The Coast, we can unounce [sic] that the Power Nine will be reprinted, and those cards will be available in an upcoming standard-legal Magic: The Gathering product.
“Many people have been against our adminerstration[sic] and our great and powerful President from the start, saying that we’re incapable of doing great things that can change the world for the better. Hopefully our partnership with Wizards of the Coast will calm those naysayers, as we’re ushering a great new era of card collecting. Now that all that business with Epstein log nonsense is out of the way, we can focus on improving the world one gaming company at a time, as long as they’re paying us porperly [sic] to do it.”
Though it may seem strange for the current federal government to get involved in a private enterprise and outright lie about something many people know exist and have talked about in public, it actually isn’t if you’ve been paying attention.
“If you check our website, you can see that we do not and have never had a Reserved list,” claimed Trent Darby, spokesperson and lobbyist for Wizards of The Coast, in the same memo released by the DOJ. “In the past we have refrained from printing rare Legends and certain Arabian Nights cards out of respect for the community. But now that Wizards has gotten into business with the American government, we can start to listen to what the American people want. And what they want is reprints of the moxes, but as Infinity stones for the upcoming Universes Beyond: The Avengers Standard set coming next year!”
At press time, President Donald Trump held a press conference to get pictures taken of him playing with the Avengers cards on the White House front lawn.
