These Five Decks Are Literally Unplayable Without Jeweled Lotus, Mana Crypt, Dockside Extortionist, and Nadu, Winged Wisdom
Like many of you, I was shocked to hear of the Rules Committee's recent ban announcement barring the use of Mana Crypt, Jeweled Lotus, Nadu, Winged Wisdom, and Dockside Extortionist from Commander. I feel hurt, betrayed, defeated, frustrated, dismissed, decried, downtrodden, besmirched, and many other obnoxious-sounding emotions. Five of my most-played decks are now absolutely useless.
Besides the complete obliteration of the value of my life savings in the form of 1500 copies of Mana Crypt, I can't even play with my favorite, formally expensive cardboard game pieces as a compensation. Instead, I now own a pile of useless cardboard with no secondary value. My cardboard was definitely valuable before this; I won't hear any arguments that it was a worthless toy from the get-go.
Instead of running down the financials and explaining in great detail how I'll never escape the yoke of the landlord or be able to purchase that combination pool table/Pac-Man cabinet/Modular Warhammer 40K battlefield, let's try to focus on the good times we had with these cards and the best decks I've ever run them in.
#1. Mystic Intellect 2019 Precon
My poor, poor Mystic Intellect precon Commander deck from 2019 is now literally unplayable in Commander games. It's unfair that I, the number-one advocate for Casual-with-a-capital C Commander, am now forced to "power down" my already WotC-designated low-power starter deck to appeal to the masses. There wasn't a single card in Mystic Intellect I could use to abuse Dockside Extortionist! What, were you scared I was going to use it to ramp into my top-end finishers like, uhh, Storm Herd and Zetalpa, Primal Dawn? Oh no! I'm running out Sun Titan three turns early! Now I can reanimate my Burnished Hart and spend another three mana to get two basics! Next thing you know I might cast Increasing Devotion from my graveyard and then die to Worldfire.
#2. Fast Mana Kindred
Us casual players are always catching strays in the fight to keep the cEDH players down. After this latest round of incredibly unfair and destructive bannings, my fast-mana kindred deck is completely wrecked. I promise you, there was no "unfun play pattern" in this deck. Starting the game with a Mana Crypt into Sol Ring, Arcane Signet, Jeweled Lotus, and Grim Monolith was totally fun, and every opponent I've played against has complimented me on my deck building skills and tactical acumen. Once I've landed all those 0-mana Mox Ambers and Mox Opals, I use Sydri, Galvanic Genius to turn them into 0/0 creatures one by one, letting my Falkenrath Noble ping my opponents to death as they die to state-based actions. This deck cost me over $1000 to assemble, and now its gimmick will never pay off.
#3. Cheerios
What am I supposed to do with my Flubs, the Fool Cheerios deck now? Tell me, how can I possibly storm off with just Ornithopter, Paradise Mantle, Rograkh, Son of Rohgahh, Mishra's Bauble, Darksteel Relic, Fountain of Youth, Gustha's Scepter, Hangarback Walker, Herbal Poultice, Jeweled Amulet, Kite Shield, Bone Saw, Lotus Petal, Memnite, Mox Amber, Shield Sphere, Spellbook, Spidersilk Net, Tormod's Crypt, Urza's Bauble, Welding Jar and Zuran Orb?! 22 0-mana artifacts isn't nearly enough consistency for my liking; I'll have to start running some one-drops to make up for my losses, which will of course set me back another $1500.
#4. Nadu, Winged Wisdom Bird Wizard Kindred
Little-known commander Nadu, Winged Wisdom was a sleeper for Commander. No one could see that it was obviously broken until people started pointing it out in the days leading up to its release. Now, my favorite Bird Wizard kindred pet deck is just a stack of expensive ink printed on cheap cardboard. This deck gave a home to some of the best creatures around, including Zenith Seeker, Sage Aven, and who could forget dear Crookclaw Transmuter? Crookclaw was the only card that could make Nadu into a 4/3 combat threat! It was essential to my commander-damage victory conditions! Now I'll have to swap over to Derevi, Empyrial Tactician. Thank god there's no way to break that Bird Wizard. I'll finally be able to play some fair and fun Magic.
#5. Rule Zero Dockside Extortionist Commander Deck
There's been a lot of commotion in the wake of the ban announcement revolving around the Rule 0 discussion that allegedly happens before every Commander game. (Why didn't we just Rule 0-out the fast mana in the pregame chat? Surely we all had replacement cards ready to go to replace our Sol Rings; I always carry a deckbox full of 20 Mind Stones for the players who've forgotten theirs at home).
I'm a huge advocate for the Rule 0 conversation, and how we can use it to establish what kind of Commander game we want to play. For example, I (used to) always bring up how I'm actually running Dockside Extortionist as the Commander. I built the deck with the expectation to bully my way into playing it during Rule 0 discussions, and, thanks to my aggressive language and generally abrasive personality, I've successfully won every game I've played with it. Most of those victories were due to concessions from the other players after I cast Dockside Extortionist the first time and proceed to blink it infinitely using Cloudstone Curio and a Phyrexian Walker.
The Ban Felt 'Round the World
You wouldn't be here unless you were also fuming at the Rules Committee's tyrannical and fascist warping of our beloved and patrician Commander format. You've also found yourself consumed with vitriol, the likes of which we haven't seen since the last American election cycle.
I want you to know there is a path forward, though. I've already written and called every single one of my elected officials in Washington to make clear my disapproval of the RC's actions and demand a response from the government. With any luck, we'll see these criminals tried and jailed for their heinous acts before year's end.
Remember that you can always join me on Twitter to cry and moan and wail about your favorite collectible trading card game designed for ages 13 and up! And check Commander's Herald regularly for the latest updates on what to replace your banned cards with, and what you should spend your deckbuilding money on instead of some perceived-value r/mtgfinance-esque get-rich-slowly scheme.
