Oracle Chair Larry Ellison Exiles 30,000 Employees to Cast Treasure Cruise

REDWOOD SHORES, CA — In a sudden move that sent shockwaves through the industry, Oracle Chairman Larry Ellison announced he was exiling the careers of 30,000 of the company’s employees, and paying 1 blue mana, to cast a Treasure Cruise. The move, which came to light via a company-wide email early in Oracle’s first main phase on March 31, has left many of its Software as a Service employees jobless in a time where the industry is quickly downsizing across the board. And Ellison is reportedly willing to make any cut necessary to keep his tempo advantage.

Banned in Pauper because the Proletariat doesn’t deserve such Tempo

“The AI race is what this comes down to. If we want to keep ahead of our competitiors, we all have to make sacrifices,” Larry Ellison tells the Commander’s Herald from his million dollar yacht. “We can’t let Sam Altman have a better board state than us, our investors watching the game play out would start to think we’re losing. And if they think we’re losers, they won’t watch my television networks or use my software. They won’t give me the chance to do things like this.” Ellison then threw a basketball overboard, causing two jetski patrols to swarm the ball and return it to the billionaire. “It’s bad enough I had to use one of my blue mana, there used to be three jetskis,” Ellison would quip.

“I think it’s largely a panic play,” industry analyst and former consultant Siegfried Abel tells our reporters. “Oracle has been putting a lot of its resources into its AI Engine without much payoff. Laying off so many people with such little warning to draw 3 cards at sorcery speed makes us think he doesn’t have any answers in hand, and is starting to fizzle.” Abel would go on to theorize that the reason the game between the tech giants hasn’t ended yet is because none of the competitors have any threats left, and there’s no judge around to call Slow Play.

“This is all a major deviation from Oracle’s usual strategy.” Matt Malinowski of Deerfield, IL was a frontend developer for Oracle prior to the layoffs. “For the past decade or two they would simply find the player with the best deck, buy the deck from them, tear out all the value pieces for their own pet cards, and once it stopped being the best deck, buy another and repeat the process. That’s how I ended up here in the first place.” Malinowski says attitudes within the company changed following the pandemic shutdowns of 2020, with the company going more all-in on the fad AI engine. “Frankly, I’m not even entirely convinced anyone actually understands how the engine actually works. They just hope to have all the pieces and have everyone else scoop at this point,” Abel would summize.

As for those whose careers are now over, hope is not completely lost. “I’m fortunate, I had a bit saved up before the news, so I can ride things out for a bit. I feel bad for those overseas who likely got the news overnight.” As for what Malinowski will do next, we have some idea. “I’m thinking of a change of career. Might be a bit of a pay cut, but I see the jobs are out there. In fact, I saw an opening for a jetski patrol yesterday.”