“Centrist” Pramikon Player Only Attacks Left
HENDERSON, NV — The Wednesday Night Commanders games at Flash Bazbo Comics usually run without controversy. “Everyone here is pretty chill, rule zero discussions tend to go smoothly, no issues,” the store owner tells us. But players have become increasingly aware of a strange play pattern from store regular Jim Burger, and are beginning to suspect other things aren’t quite as he lets on.
“Jim has always been a very apolitical guy. Sells and installs security systems for a living, owns a pick-up, watches MMA, big fan of Dave Chappelle, you know, everyday American stuff. But it was odd when he started playing Pramikon a few months ago.” Fellow Wednesday Night regular Mike Fitzpatrick noticed Burger, a self-proclaimed Centrist, had a habit of only choosing to attack left, and his rationale for doing so has only exacerbated things.
Red, White, and Blue meets Military Intervention. Nothing is more American.
“The first time I noticed, Jim was between a pillow fort Oloro player and my Krenko deck. He decides to attack into me on his left. I asked him why, and he responded that he shouldn’t have to put up with taxes either in the game or real life.” Fitzpatrick says he didn’t think much of it at the time, and ultimately won the game in question, but things only got worse from there.
“One time he was next to a Kynaios and Tiro deck. He plays Pramikon and attacks into it, because the player ‘shouldn’t be forcing their beliefs on people’. He chose not to attack a Miriam Vehicles deck once because he ‘once saw a homeless guy pee on that Subway Train’. A Ziatora player got attacked into because ‘Unions are robbing our economy blind’. It’s literally one excuse after another to not harm anyone to his right.”
When asked about this pattern, Burger tells the Commander’s Herald that he respects all players, and has friends on both sides of the political spectrum. “I keep an open mind. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just as I am entitled to mine. I’ve got people I know who are trans at the store. I’ve got buddies who are former Marines. I have friends of all sorts.” But others are skeptical about the company he keeps. One player noted Burger is close friends with an infamous local who’s been banned from Flash Bazbo Comics for inappropriate behavior. “Just because they made a bunch of racist and sexually inappropriate comments five years ago doesn’t mean they’re an awful person,” Burger rebuts when asked.
As for now, Burger remains on Pramikon, though he says with the current political climate, he has considered a switch. “I know my lines of thought can be controversial to some, but I can tone it down if people complained,” Burger assured our reporters. Asked if he had a backup commander in mind, Burger was quick to give a response. “Agrus Kos, of course. Even in times like these, I’m sure to support our police.”
