Bristly Bill, Spine Sower Illustrated by Daniel Zrom

Hello, and welcome to Am I the Bolas?

This column is for all of you out there who have ever played some Magic and wondered if you were the bad guy. I'm here to take in your story with all of its nuances so I can bring some clarity to all those asking, "Am I the Bolas?"

I'm ready to hear you out and offer advice. All you have to do is email amithebolas@gmail.com! You might see your story in the column. You might even hear it on the podcast. Which podcast? 

THIS PODCAST!

I'm Mike Carrozza, aka Mark Carbonza, and hey, my dog looks weird...???

WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?

This week, it's math. 

(Post edited for brevity, clarity, and a bit of zip and zazz blammymatazz.)

HEY, MIKE!

Hey there, Mike

I play in a group that's usually three to four players, and we have been having a few issues with one particular deck: Mr. Bristly Bill, Spine Sower. More specifically, Bristly Bill Hydras.

He's good; great even. The problem isn't Bristly himself, or even the Hydras. The problem is math. I know math is an integral part of this game. I actually really enjoy math myself. What I don't enjoy, and I think a lot of people will agree like the others in our group have, is someone's turn being 15+ minutes every turn so they can double counters, add +1/+1s, double again on their three or five Hydras plus things like Marwyn, the Nurturer and Gyre Sage, tapping and untapping to do this multiple times a turn, and then not swinging them until they feel they can one shot every player at once.

It's become a frustrating and unenjoyable time to play against Hydras. Removal isn't a good option because a good portion of his deck is protection for himself and creatures or things that let him keep the several hundred counters around for other creatures to have with The Ozolith and such. We're almost always stopped or the problem is moved to another card. 

I will say this problem has evolved into more of his decks do the same thing just a different flavor now. It seems that he caught on to our dislike for it and has since switched from "do nothing until I can kill everyone all at once" to "target one guy until none remain". I know that's kind of the point of the game, but ignoring all other players and just removing, countering, and smacking only one guy puts one of us out pretty quickly and then have to sit and wait the rest of the game out watching him try to compete against the guys he didn't focus down. It also tends to be whoever slighted him in the last match...

What I'm saying is I just need to know if we're being Bolas or if he is.

Thank you for letting me rant.

Signed,
Blue player.

HOWDY, BLUE PLAYER

Thank you so much for writing in. As I say every week, without folks writing in, there is no column, so if you, the reader, have a story you'd like to share or a Reddit post I should check out, send it over to amithebolas@gmail.com and I'll get to it here or maybe even the podcast!

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who attended the first ever live episode of Am I The Bolcast?, which should be out now! It was a really fun and goofy time and I'm excited to do this some more. If you listen or are thinking of giving it a go, I hope you dig the podcast! 

I can't believe we get to talk about this topic.

Of course math is part of the game, and a necessary one. Without math, the game does not work. 

What you're really asking about is threefold:

• The time taken to have an extensive turn where the action is buffing/protecting a massive board until it's possible to eliminate all players in one go. 
• The deck is strong enough to be resilient and the pod doesn't have the means to cut it down to size.
• The pivot to singling out a single player selected through spite over previous game frustrations. 

We've talked about long turns here before and on the podcast. With the way Magic has been going, the complexity has skyrocketed. Especially on the back of the most popular format of Commander with its massive card pool, the mechanics of it all means that the engines you can build can have many pieces that pile on. It's bound to happen if permanents stick around at this point. As someone who plays decks that are engines, I'll say that goldfishing my deck has improved my ability to play the deck and keep turns concise. However, sometimes, you get new information, or it might be a critical point and you need time to think. 

I think in general, we should be ready for some long turns. But not all long turns. If a deck is just a long turn after a long turn and there's no shortcutting thanks to knowing your deck or something, I think a conversation could be had with the Bill player to goldfish their deck and get to know it better. It doesn't sound like they don't know what they're doing, rather that it's a time-consuming affair is all. 

The deck is powerful, but it sounds like folks aren't looking to play stuff that counters the boogieman deck in their playgroup. I'll say if this deck runs the table constantly, I'd reach for Thief of Blood, Mutated Cultist, Hex Parasite, or Solemnity to include specifically to hit the Bill where it hurts. However, I'd only do this if we've already had a conversation about the deck being a nuisance. 

It's hard to keep playing against a deck that seems invincible. Have a conversation about power level. 

The pivot to singling out someone, removing what they've got and attacking them because of spite, then not having gas to stave off the other players is poor form, to be frank. That's a Bolas move. If the strategy becomes single out a player and then move off, then that does add a layer of politicking to the game that still places the Bill player in the archenemy seat but as more of a cannon to aim around. The way it's shaking out, though? Pretty Bolas material there. 

Ultimately, the question of are they the Bolas or are you is pretty well leaning toward Bill especially with the spite targeting. 

That said, have there been conversations? Is there an insistence on the deck every time, and if so, are they then salty when people run the perfect removal to push against their deck? Have a chat with them and see if you can all come together to challenge each other with puzzle pieces running into each other. 

You're not the Bolas. Bill's got some Bolas in them. All in all, talk about it.