Am I The Bolas? - Kaalia Needs Cooling Off

Mike Carrozza • January 15, 2025

Opinion
Kaalia of the Vast Illustrated by Justyna Dura

Hello, and welcome to Am I the Bolas?

This column is for all of you out there who have ever played some Magic and wondered if you were the bad guy. I'm here to take in your story with all of its nuances so I can bring some clarity to all those asking, "Am I the Bolas?"

I'm ready to hear you out and offer advice. All you have to do is email amithebolas@gmail.com! You might see your story in the column. You might even hear it on the podcast. Which podcast? 

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This week, games don't go your way.

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Anyway, let's get back to what you're really here for.

HEY, MIKE

(Post edited for brevity, clarity, and then some.)

Greetings Mike! 

I hope this message finds you well. I enjoy your articles on the Herald and I am hoping you can help me with this one.
 
Let's set the scene: I show up to my LGS for weekly Commander day, and I've been working on a project for the LGS for the last few weeks. I was excited to show off what I had made to other players: I had made some custom sleeves with the store's logo on it.
 
As a part of that, I decided to make a brand new deck for the sleeves to go around, so I took an existing deck of mine that I put down a while ago, Chainer, Nightmare Adept, a red-black Dragons list, and I splashed white, putting Kaalia of the Vast into the command zone.
 
Kaalia was my first commander, and she has always been a muse for me throughout my Commander career. This is actually my second deck with her, as I have an Angel list as well. 
 
As fortune would have it, I bumped into an old friend I used to play Commander with at another store that hasn't played in a while. I invite him to shuffle up and play a game with me and a couple of other regulars. I let the table know that I have a brand new deck that I haven't piloted before and I am trying figure out how it works hoping that the table wouldn't gang up on me because of Kaalia's reputation.
 
The table presents the following commanders: Cayth, Famed Mechainst, Zinnia, Valley's Voice, and Angus Mackenzie.
 
My opening hand is five lands, an artifact, and a creature. The top end of my deck is a little heavy, so I keep it.
 
I land a total of three creatures and a planeswalker the entirety of the game with 15-plus lands and keep getting shut down from making a single attack with only one creature on the board without ever casting Kaalia once throughout the game. It felt very much like I was just watching the rest of the pod play the game and be unable to play.
 
I was asked to play the same deck again and I reluctantly did after a poor showing. I shuffled the deck and opened with one land, a mana rock, and a couple of two-three drops in hand. I kept it, dismayed, and proceeded not to make a land drop for the first five turns, pitching stuff to the graveyard. At this point, I am dejected that I spent almost three hours to watch others play and be unable participate in the game.
 
I finally got to a third land to be able to do something, the next player drops a Winter Orb, and that was my breaking point. I scooped up my cards and became upset that the other players were misreading that I was struggling with my deck and felt unnecessarily targeted as I couldn't do anything to affect the games I was in.
 
I stood up and tried to leave without making a scene and the other players were confused as to why I was leaving.
 
I retorted to a player that they were misreading the table and I am going to leave as not to take out my frustration on anyone. I left the store and now I am unsure if I want to return to the store to play for a bit and or avoid playing games with those specific players.
 
Am I the Bolas for being upset in this situation? 
 
Thank you for your time Mike and keep up the great work.
 
Regards,
Jeremiah Nadeau 

PS: A little update

With two of the players in the pod, I haven't seen them back at the store since that game went down. I haven't had a chance to follow up with those folks in person. I stayed away from the LGS for a couple of weeks to cool off.

HOWDY, JEREMY!

Thank you for writing in and asking me to weigh in on your story. As I mention every week, if folks don't write to me, there's no column, so if you, the reader, want to send me a story, whether it's your own or one from Reddit or a friend's, please send it to amithebolas@gmail.com and I'll get to it here.

Alright, Jeremy, let's talk about this. I think getting sleeves made for your LGS is very sweet and shows that you really like it there. That's very nice and I dig that. Embracing an LGS and your community is lovely.

We've covered in the past, many-a-time, that if you're not having fun, concede on your turn and maybe find another table or wait for the next game. That's fine. These are things we do.

You kept a flooded hand and a screwed hand in both games and unfortunately, the draws didn't break your way. It's fair to be bummed about it. But that's Magic, baby! That's how it goes sometimes. It can be frustrating, and I'm sure you've had games since then that were way more fun and went better, but there's something I'm stuck on here. 

I can appreciate that you removed yourself from the pod because you felt upset. I can appreciate you not wanting to make a scene. In attempting not to make a scene, you made a scene, though. Enough for your podmates to show concern. 

I'm done beating around the bush here. I don't think the Winter Orb could possibly be a play directed at you in particular. People who put Winter Orb in their decks are going to play that Winter Orb when it comes up. This almost certainly has nothing to do with you. Unless you were told, "Hey, I'm playing this to mess with you and you only because the rest of us have Seedborn Muses," then maybe I'd say you might have a point, but your outburst about misreading the table is misplaced anger. Doesn't make you a bad person, but it does, in the context of this column, make you a Bolas. 

They have two other opponents who are likely doing things and trying to pop off, and Winter Orb players tend to know their moment. When you're taken down by it, that's icing on the cake after missing five turns' worth of setup. As far as the table is concerned at that point, it's unlikely that you would become a threat unless you had a burst of resources, but even then, other opponents likely have a way to curtail you. 

When all is said and done, having a feeling doesn't make you the Bolas and your intentions definitely weren't Bolas quality from what I can read here, but I think accusing a player of misreading a board because you happen to be a casualty of their stax piece when there are other opponents to be wary of is an example of misreading the play as well. 

Sorry, bud.

Mike Carrozza

Mike Carrozza

Mike Carrozza is a stand-up comedian from Montreal who’s done a lot of cool things like put out an album called Cherubic and worked with Tig Notaro, Kyle Kinane, and more people to brag about. He’s also been an avid EDH player who loves making silly stuff happen. @mikecarrozza on platforms