Am I The Bolas? - Don't Touch the Stove

Mike Carrozza • March 19, 2025

Opinion
Missy
 Illustrated by Ekaterina Burmak

Hello, and welcome to Am I the Bolas?

This column is for all of you out there who have ever played some Magic and wondered if you were the bad guy. I'm here to take in your story with all of its nuances so I can bring some clarity to all those asking, "Am I the Bolas?"

I'm ready to hear you out and offer advice. All you have to do is email amithebolas@gmail.com with your story, a pseudonym you want to use, and of course, only include details you don't mind in the column! You might see your story in the column. You might even hear it on the podcast. Which podcast? 

THIS PODCAST!

I'm Mike Carrozza, aka Mark Carbonza, and say, Magic 8-ball, do you think I'll win my next game of Commander?

AW, DAMMIT!

This week, don't touch the stove!

(Post edited for brevity, clarity, and then some.)

HELLO, MIKE

I went to the LGS on the weekend and sat down to play with some people I didn't know.

One player was clearly new to Commander, a younger guy with an unsleeved Masters of Evil precon still in its original packaging who wasn't familiar with a lot of the terminology others at the table were using.

Game one, I was (correctly) identified as the archenemy and eliminated early. I had to wait more than an hour for the other three players to finish that game.

Game two, I switch to my Orah, Skyclave Hierophant

deck. Two of the other players switch also, and we each explain what our decks do. My deck is built around a bunch of Clerics moving back and forth between the graveyard and the battlefield. The new player sticks to his same precon, but switches his commander from Davros, Dalek Creator
 to Missy
, specifically saying that he knows Missy is good against graveyard decks.

After a few turns of setting up, Missy

is played, and I remove it with Swords to Plowshares
. The newer player complains that I just removed his commander, which isn't nice. I point out, calmly but clearly, that Missy
 basically shuts down my entire deck, and I can't let it stay in play.

The game continues. Missy

is played. Generous Gift
. It's played a third time. Anguished Unmaking
. A fourth time. Fell the Profane
.

Each time, the newer player is getting more and more agitated and angry with me. I've been friendly and helpful with him overall... but I am NOT going to let Missy

stay on the board. Each time, I explain to him, "Your commander shuts down my whole gameplan; if I don't remove it, I can't do anything." He complains that I am playing too much removal and bullying him. I point out that the deck doesn't even have all that much removal... I only drew those four pieces the whole game, but I had to save them all for Missy
, as she is the biggest problem for me. I was very clear in saying, "I am going to keep trying to remove Missy
... you will have to find a way to protect her, come up with a different plan, or eliminate me."

I was able to win the game before Missy

could be cast a fifth time.

In the moment, I really just wanted to play the game, especially after barely having gotten to participate in the first one. Looking back on it, I could have allowed the new player to play the game also and sandbagged the removal in my hand for a turn or two so he would have a better experience. He didn't get to do a whole lot with his deck or gameplan as he kept using his turns to recast an increasingly expensive commander, which kept getting removed immediately by me.

Am I the Bolas?

Thanks,

Bonzo

 

HOWDY, BONZO!

Thank you for writing in and asking me to weigh in on your story. As I mention every week, if folks don't write to me, there's no column, so if you, the reader, want to send me a story, whether it's your own or one from Reddit or a friend's, please send it to amithebolas@gmail.com and I'll get to it here.

First thought? Woof. 

I see the dilemma. Do I sour this new player's second experience, or do I show them what the game can be? Is it time to teach the newbie not to touch a hot stove?

I think in this case, you summed it up at the end: let him have the experience for a bit, then take out Missy. How many games have you played? And how many of those wouldn't have happened if you'd been sort of taught a lesson early on?

There is a kind of unwritten rule or duty for Magic players playing with newbies at the LGS, which is "show 'em a good time". For a few games, prioritize their experience. Think of how much joy Magic: The Gathering has given you over the years and understand that you're at the beginning of somebody else's journey with the same game. Show them that joy firsthand. 

Then yeah, at some point you've got to stop pulling punches if you keep playing with them. Otherwise, they'll go off and steel themselves with more experience. This player just unboxed a Commander precon and seems to be having some of their first games ever against you. You've been playing longer, you've got the removal in hand, you know you'll be able to kill the Missy whenever you want; why not try to make a deal with this player instead? No mention of politicking or anything that goes beyond killing the commander outright.

That said, this new guy's reaaaaally pushing his luck. Don't touch a hot stove! You'd think maybe twice is enough, but jeez, he just kept doing it. You warned him that casting the commander would get it killed, and he doesn't have the experience to know what he should be doing instead. But also, what if that was the only play he had? 

Also, also, also, it does seem like he realized after hearing what your deck does that Missy

would be the better choice specifically to handle your deck; another unwritten rule of sorts.

This story is understandable, but I gotta give you a Bolas here. Sandbag another game and pick a different pod if you can so you don't have to bend to the new player unwritten rule thing.  

Mike Carrozza

Mike Carrozza

Mike Carrozza is a stand-up comedian from Montreal who’s done a lot of cool things like put out an album called Cherubic and worked with Tig Notaro, Kyle Kinane, and more people to brag about. He’s also been an avid EDH player who loves making silly stuff happen. @mikecarrozza on platforms. Check out the Am I The Bolcast? podcast based on his series Am I The Bolas? where people send in stories about whether or not they're the bad guy!