Shorikai Player Forced To Use Breathalyzer Before Crewing

SAGINAW, MI – A local Commander Pod has had to slam on the brakes after one of their regular players was forced to install a breathalyzer on their Shorikai, Genesis Engine.

Step out of the giant mecha and walk in a straight line for 10 paces…

Not his first awkward judge ruling, local player Ryan Watson was sentenced to parole due to a DUI incident last Saturday night while returning from his local game store. Part of the parole was the requirement to pass a breathalyzer test when operating “any and all vehicles.”

“It’s really made game night a lot lamer”, said fellow playgroup member Matt Magee. “Playing Commander is really just an excuse to get as ripshit drunk as possible so having someone legally prove they’re sober every time they attack is a pretty big buzzkill.”

As part of Mr. Watson’s parole, he was legally obligated to commission a local Magic card alterist to draw ankle bracelets on all of his Pilot tokens, as well as car boots on all of his vehicles. “It’s completely killed the resale value of the deck,” Mr. Watson told us. “The rules are so strict I had to remove Hokori, Dust Drinker from the deck because it has ‘Drink’ in the name and get a custom alter that adds ‘Non-Alcoholic’ to the front of ‘Elixir of Immortality.'”

Still counts as driving under the influence.

Local authorities have said that rates of piloting under the influence have drastically increased, especially after the release of Aetherdrift. “One minute you’re having a fun time, the next minute you’ve killed a player you made a deal with the previous turn,” said local Police Chief Mark Letourneau. “We’ve had players making non-attacking commitments after three times the legal limit. What we’re doing is protecting the trust and integrity of game stores by taking these reckless deck pilots off the playmat.” Local police have also discussed charges for crewing vehicles while texting or not wearing a seatbelt.

Officer I was just Aether-Drifting!

The metagames have adapted to this change. Local players have shifted how the game is played by threatening other players who have had several drinks throughout the night with the police. “While it has been a bit of a waste of our time to continuously respond to game stores whose players are losing, it has had the trickle effect of lowering the actual drunk driving rate,” said Chief Letourneau. “I suppose it evens out in the end.”

As part of Mr. Watson’s sentencing, he will have to meet with his parole officer at least once a week to report his drinking habits, his recovery process, and his draws. According to local city ordinances, a lucky topdeck rate higher than 5% may be grounds for house arrest.

How do I keep walking away from these?