“What Are We?” Local Commander Player’s Permanents Always Targeted By Same Opponent

BOTHELL, WA – A local Commander pod is turning up the heat after local player Sean Patterson noticed a particular pattern in his friend and podmate Marc Garvey. After several games, it was noticed that Marc was routinely targeting Sean’s permanents, leading him to wonder if maybe he was feeling a different kind of planeswalker spark.

“Whenever he countered one of my spells, it was like my heart was getting bolted. I never thought about it before”, Sean said when pressed for comment. “When I looked up I started to notice how well his Zelda graphic tee fit him and how much utility his khaki cargo shorts really do offer him.”

When asked about his side of the affair, Marc’s statement was: “Yeah he was pubstomping the table. He clearly brought a bracket four deck to casual night so of course I was targeting him.” We also asked Marc what his and Sean’s relationship was, and his response was: “I mean we play Commander at the shop sometimes. I think we may be friends on Facebook? I don’t remember.”

Sean seemed undeterred, with others at the table describing behaviors such as moaning loudly when his Commander was destroyed, twirling his hair, and grinning while biting the tip of his finger.

“I guess I’m happy Sean is exploring a different side of himself?” said Mary, Sean’s wife of 4 years. “He’s been a bit weird at home, though. I’ve noticed he’s been watching Game Knights and calling himself a ‘Bad Boy’ every time a creature gets removed. I’ve had to learn way too much about who Jimmy Wong is”.

Sean’s card ordering history tells a similar story. His wife described that he was buying more and more expensive and powerful cards in hopes that the table would target him and quote “punish him the way a pubstomper should be”.

Marc also told us that he’s been receiving a surprising number of texts from Sean lately, including messages like “Build any good decks lately?”, “I bet you could lift a lot of Stanley 10-Compartment Organizer boxes”, and “Your hands look really strong and soft holding that 5-card mulligan.”

When asked if he would consider a relationship with Sean, Marc replied with a passionate and heated: “Isn’t he married?”. We here at Commander Herald can feel the heat all the way in the news room, and hope these two lovebirds have enough white mana for protection.