WotC Dandân Shadow Rules Cabal Considering Addition of Third Dan
SECRET HASBRO BUNKER, Wash. — Commander’s Herald has once again stumbled ass-backwards into a shocking revelation about the potential future of a beloved Magic: The Gathering fan format. In what is bound to be the most existentially nerve-wracking piece of news to emerge this week, we have learned of a potentially game-changing future update coming to the unforgettable fish-based format Dandân.
We recently received word from a source, who asked to remain anonymous for this piece, that during a recent tour of the Wizards of the Coast offices in Washington following filming of a promo for the upcoming set Marvel Super Heroes, he had learned of a secret group within the storied creator of The Simpsons Trading Card Game that is overseeing Dandân. “[Senior Game and Product Designer Gavin] Verhey was saying some goofy bullshit about drafting booster packs or whatever, when I noticed a door behind him that had a ‘Top Secret’ sign on it,” our source said. “My curiosity got the better of me, so I knocked him out with a move Bruce Willis taught me on the set of Pulp Fiction. I then removed the lightsaber I was gifted by George Lucas after wrapping Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith¹ from underneath my kangol, and used it to pick the lock.” When asked how he was able to pick a lock with a fictional laser sword, he made it very explicit that he didn’t have to explain that. “The important thing is, I got into the room! What I found was crazier than when I showed up as Nick Fury after the credits of 2008’s Iron Man. There’s a shadow rules cabal overseeing the Forgetful Fish format out of a secret underground Wizards office, and they’re about to meet to discuss the format’s future!”
“It smelled like the set of Deep Blue Sea in that room, but I didn’t look into that. That wasn’t any of my business.” –Anonymous
After our shaking off the shock of this revelation and an extended tangent from our source about the circumstances that lead to his starring in the 2006 film Snakes on a Plane, he provided Commander’s Herald with the location of this secret underground office. Following his directions ultimately led us to a dilapidated shed deep in the sandy deserts of Washington. This shed was secretly an elevator that, when activated, carried us to the reception area of a sprawling underground office bunker. When asked which office belonged to the Dandân Shadow Rules Cabal, the receptionist walked us briefly down a nearby hall to a door with a paper sign taped to it that read “Secret Dandan [sic] Meeting – DO NOT DISTRUB [sic].”
Quietly kicking the door open led us into a dark, cavernous room, lit only by the eerie red light pulsing off of the three floating black obelisks in its center. As we steathfully stomped into the room and hid behind a recycling bin, we were able to overhear a conversation between three figures speaking through the obelisks, whom we would later identify through audio forensics.
Shout-out to Helga, our excellent forensics specialist, who also manages to clean out what she has left in the office fridge each week, Zoe.
“Look, we need to come up with an idea on how to generate further revenue from Dandân after the Secret Lair deck sold like gangbusters. [Hasbro CEO/Funny Name-Haver Chris] Cocks is getting on my ass about this,” said Vice President of Magic Design Aaron Forsythe, the obelisk imbuing his voice with a foreboding gravitas. To our surprise, longtime Optimus Prime voice actor Peter Cullen responded, saying, “Perhaps we could do a second run of the Secret Lair product, so everyone could get one? I wouldn’t mind rolling that out, Autobot-style, given that they sold out while I was waiting in the queue.” “You know we’re not allowed implement strategy that make sense, Optimus, but you’re on the right track,” Forsythe responded. “The product development philosophy granted to us by the great Hasbro land-walker Cocks was ‘more is more,’ if my enormous brain remembers correctly,” gurgled a voice we traced back to a Giant Pacific Octopus residing at the Seattle Aquarium. “Perhaps the solution is not to produce more decks, much in the manner that my kind produces eggs, but to imbue the format with a splash of novelty. My eight tentacles and I propose the addition of a third Dan.” “A third Dan could potentially AllSpark a new wave of Dandân fever! This seems to me like a Prime idea!,” responded Cullen, leading to a groan from the octopus. Forsythe considered the proposal. “I suppose that is one more Dan than before… I’ll send the idea to Cocks on Slack and see what he thinks, and we can circle back on this later.” Immediately after this statement, the three briefly chanted a phrase in Latin before a loud boom and the dimming of their obelisks signaled the end of their occult corporate ritual. It was at this time that Commander’s Herald softly clomped out of the room to begin reporting what we witnessed.
When asked for comment regarding this potential move floated by the Shadow Rules Cabal, Dandân creator Nick Floyd commented, “What? That’s– What the hell are you talking about? Shadow Rules Cabal? ‘Third Dan’? That sounds stupid.”
¹He said the entire title of the movie to me exactly like this, it was crazy.
