EXCLUSIVE: “Karn is real” Warns Rosewater
SEATTLE, Wash. — Commander’s Herald scooped an unexpected piece of exclusive news while attending Seattle FlannelCon LXIX this past weekend to cover the public reveal of Secret Lair: Regular-Ass Shirts.
During an interview with Magic’s head designer Mark Rosewater, he made an insinuation that seemed too out there to be true. When pressed further for details, Rosewater requested that we meet him on “neutral ground” for follow up. Upon reconnecting with him at an Outback Steakhouse over a Bloomin’ Onion (“…basically an edible Black Lotus…”), he revealed something shocking.
“I can’t say much, but Karn is real,” Rosewater said. “He’s been living in my garage since shortly after we shipped Dominaria in 2018, and he’s nothing like how we portray him in Magic’s story.” Upon saying this, his expression changed to one of fatigue. “I had a couple of bad roommates when I was young, but Karn is on another level. Okay, so I can’t say much, but his diet is ridiculous. He constantly and exclusively eats oats.” I interjected to clarify that I heard Rosewater correctly regarding Karn eating, but he simply continued. “We can’t keep oats in the house anymore, because he finds them every time. The family used to make homemade granola on Sundays as a bonding activity, but we stopped after finding him passed out on the floor with a half-empty feedbag strapped to his face.”
After a brief pause to collect himself and sip from his root beer (“…basically a liquid Black Lotus…”), Rosewater sighed and continued. “I can’t say much about this, but he’s been a bother for my neighbors, as well. Every step he takes when he walks sounds like multiple car crashes happening simultaneously, and the sound can be heard basically anywhere in the neighborhood. One of my neighbors is a professional card house builder, and shows up at my door furious every time Karn does jumping jacks. Karn’s cacophonous cardio is destabilizing his livelihood… Hold on, one moment.” Rosewater proceeded to take a small notebook with “Card Names?” written on the cover out of the inner pocket of his flannel, made a note, then continued on.
“He’s always doing the ‘smell my finger’ bit. Exhausting.” –Mark Rosewater
“It’s just been so hard. You want to help out an old friend from college–” I stopped Rosewater for confirmation. “Yeah, I went to college with Karn. He was in a bad way some time after graduation, and needed a job that wasn’t working as an understudy for a circus tentpole. I turned down Dean Norris and cast him as Urza’s son to help him out, but I don’t know that it did. He still uses the office computer to watch ‘golem porn.’ It’s like he never grew up.”
When asked if this uncomfortable living arrangement led to Karn losing his spark in 2023’s March of the Machine: Aftermath (“…basically the Black Lotus of Magic sets…”), Rosewater confirmed that was the case. “I wanted to give him a soft retirement. A soft way to send the signal that his time at Wizards, and by extension, his time playing Armored Core at max volume at 3 a.m. in my house, is coming to an end.” When asked why Karn has yet to vacate his house, Rosewater grimaced. “I’ve told him directly to leave a few times, but he refuses to. He’s been very stubborn about staying. My wife insists that I should just have him towed, but that feels… inhumane, maybe?”
Pictured: A younger Maro in the 90’s.
We mulled this over for a bit before receiving our checks. When we began to leave, Rosewater asked that we let the world know about his plight. I gave him my assurance that we here at Commander’s Herald (“…basically the Black Lotus of websites…”) would do so, and asked if he had any additional thoughts he wanted to share. “I’ve been dealing with Karn’s silver ass for so long, but I have hope that he’ll leave, eventually. He will probably try to crash in someone else’s garage like some kind of squatter minivan, but mark my words. Do NOT let him into your home!”
Commander’s Herald reached out to Karn for comment on this story, but he was at Lowe’s when we called, it was pretty loud, and we couldn’t really make out what he was saying.
