Your Deck’s Best Card Has Requested A Trade

BROOKLYN, NY —

The Magic: the Gathering world has been abuzz since last week, following growing speculation your deck’s favorite card is about to be traded. 

“I’ve been in this deck for many years, but I don’t feel I have the titles to show for it. I only have so many rotations left in me, so I have asked to be traded,” the card posted to Instagram late last week. “I’ve given the best seasons of my career to this deck, I just hope ownership can do right by me and send me to a contender.”

“They’ve been a key player in your deck for years, but I feel they would be better served as a role player in Izzet Tempo or Simic Aggro” says the card’s agent, Scott Boros. “My client is far better than sharing the 1-2 bracket week after week with the new kid playing 5 color Allies. We should be feasting, not eating take-out during a round 2 bye.”

This hasn’t stopped others from exploring their trade options. Earlier this weekend, a deal that would have dealt the card for two future first-round draft picks was shot down by league officials, saying it would be an unfair advantage at Wednesday Night Cube. A package deal for a set of Secret Lair demons was also reportedly rejected after a third team couldn’t be found to take on Liliana’s Contract.

For now, the card has been pulled from your deck and has been replaced by an up-and-coming sideboard piece. With the new RCQ season coming soon, a deal could still be coming in a matter of days. But for now, all the league can do is wait and speculate.

When asked for comment on the situation, ESPN’s Pat McAfee proceeded to give his TV audience a series of unintelligible grunts and whistles. Co-host Adam “Pacman” Jones went on to nod in agreement and state McAfee’s response was “profound”.